Reading the Bard: In Shakespeare’s Style
Mahog’ny walls drop to shawl the list’nrs .
Characters glide onto and through the page.
Stopping only to hear the cool command:
Quiet the stage, the troops must gild the age.
Th’enrobed nobles glide elegance’s bow,
Bard’s bliss leaps upon what heart’s strings barely
Know. The beauty of long lost age, bliss to now
Unrecognized story of love mortally bound.
But hark! The bliss in what room may be felt
Midst shredded tee, short shorts and livery told
Of what horrors clothes philosophers might melt
And sing Jehovah of tresspassers so bold.
So time’s corrupted viewers hold what key
To master moulding love and anarchy.
The Golden Hour
The kiss of approaching night lies on the towne
Embracing green lands in precious hour
Whose breath gilds the time of meals renowned
And crowns each studious heart in haven’s bower.
Whisper only as ne slides through thick air
Moving through warm and piercing rays
To sup in eternal peace, when time’s fair
Youth could pass in doting sunborne haze.
But quiet the night and wait just hours
For glimmering stars and carousers reverie
To see what blackened psoes rest in showers
Outpouring of humid’s withheld stream.
Control chaos of bitter battle night
Tears the veil of golden hour’s bliss sight.
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The ideas are good, I quite like them. However, a couple of things. Remember that even though you don't particularly like strict formalism, the sonnet is the most inherently formal type of poem in existence. Be careful with your meter (especially with all the torches) and with line length. You shoul not vary from the natural iambic pentameter line without a very particular defense for substitution, do it too much and your lose the expectations that give them meaning and the whole poem suffers. For example, in the first line of the first poem you make a trochaic substitution "drop to" which makes good sense because a trochee can imply a physical turn and even a falling action, however, you do not then revert to the iambic rhythm and remain stuck in a trochaic rhythm, which reduces the dramatic effect of the substitution.
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ReplyDeleteIf you want to rival and eventually defeat the bard, unfortunately you must do it on his turf. Still, keep up the good work, you've come so far in such a short time!
*trochees
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