The War
Part 2
Time went by.
I can’t remember why.
The crow’s nest hatched ages before today. They’re batting their feathers see? High above the sea. Well not the sea. Ash and Soot. No water left. It’s all dried up. What’s that? A tombstone blown away.
Nothing.
I felt Nothing.
Feel.
Nothing.
Post apocalyptic almost. Nothing left but ash. Still, I feel nothing.
Shhh.
There’s a tree in the distance. Crossed, double crossed. Shhh.
Iron clad. Ramrod. Straight-Back. Execution chair, I do not serve. BOW.
Claps of thunder rise. Flashes of lightning stretch the sky. Wonder, flash, boom.
Terror.
Leave me alone, I’m ok here. Stop, you’re scaring me. Snarling bats of frustrated glory snap, peck, graze on flesh of ruined souls. My ruined soul.
Not yet.
Gnawing, flap. “Shhh now, dear. Quiet now, my sweet.” The wrinked maid croons, “my pet, come to me, grandmother has a story for you.” Head lays down, but another voice picks it up, and the wolves teeth bared in the old woman’s head flash silver. Before red consumes everything in sight. She is dead.
Bow down and kneel before her quietly.
The Old Man’s daisy fire’s out of late, take flint from her sleeve. Shh. Steal away.
Turn.
Don’t look back.
Scurry. Worried. Fright.
Screams.
NO.
***
Here there’s a tree, crossed, double crossed. But I landed on a grave of lilies and grass plumes.
Shhh. They all say. Shh now and wait. Quiet, Quiet now, for spring is to bloom.
It's certainly interesting, but not nerely as good as the first part. Mostly I think that you took the fragmentation too far; there is no continuity of ideas for the fragmentation to differentiate from, and so the exercise loses its rhetorical force. Other than that I was hoping that you would flush out the image of the "tree, crossed, double crossed" a little more. Maybe in the second edit?
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